A friend and I were making plans to get together. It had been a while since we’d hung out, too long. She crossed my mind and I thought it was odd that we hadn’t talked but she’s married and I’m single. Sometimes I think married people do married people things that I may not understand. I don’t know if that makes sense or is even true. But as we were texting she told me to block her husband from my social media. I didn’t ask any questions. I just did it without hesitation. That’s the kind of friendship we have. She told me she would explain later over drinks.
A few days later I sat across from my friend as she was about to tell me about her abusive marriage. She asked “Have you had a drink yet?” After I took a sip of an extremely strong drink I made she proceeded to tell me about the abuse she’s been dealing with.
She and I haven’t been friends since high school or college but we have been friends for a few years. I don’t trust people easily and neither does she, but she and I genuinely connected. We don’t talk every day or even every week for that matter. A month or longer can go by before we hear from each other but I still consider her a close friend.
The whole time I’ve known her she has been married; I met her when she was still a newlywed. Over our strong drinks she was telling me that the entire marriage, our entire friendship, she was in an abusive marriage. I was and still am in shock.
I know this man. I’ve been to their house, met his family and friends, ate dinner with them. And I never had any indication that they had issues, other than “normal” marriage issues. And she hid it well. She was and has always been pleasant to be around, was never sad or showed any sign that anything was wrong. You would never know what she was battling with.
I learned that he has punched her in the face, hit her with objects, mushed her into a car window and broken countless pieces of furniture and items that belonged to her. And this is only what she told me. I know for a fact that there’s more. The last straw was when she had to go to the ER and was out of work for 2 weeks. They’re now separated and on the way to divorce.
I. AM. PISSED. HURT. CONFUSED……so many other emotions going on inside of me. During the altercation that sent her to the ER she said she didn’t even cry because she was fighting for her life. She just needed to survive. My heart broke into so many pieces especially when she showed me the picture of her in the ER. She didn’t shed a tear while she told me all of this. I was hurting because my friend was hurting but I didn’t shed a tear because I was in shock. I felt like I was listening to someone on one of those true crime tv shows that I watch all the time. She has been living in survival mode for years. All I want to do is protect my friend from this man. I want him to go away. I feel helpless because the only protection I can offer her is prayer, which is what I’ve been doing nonstop.
This woman is no dumby. I’ve seen her in action and she is about her business. She is educated and intelligent. But she married an abuser and protected him so well that no one, not even close friends and family, knew what was going on.
I’m glad that she left and I know she’ll stay gone; I just want him to know that it’s over and move on.
Domestic violence is something that a lot of people don’t talk about, especially in the African American community. This woman is black. So is her husband. I’m glad that she’s done protecting him, but who’s going to protect other women from him? He has an adult daughter and 2 sisters, one of whom he’s gotten into fights with. Are they safe? He has held a pretty high position in the church. THE CHURCH!!!! He preaches God’s word and posts scriptures on social media every single day, but is a woman beater.
You never know what people are going through, regardless of how close you are. Check on your family and friends. Ask them if they’re ok or if they need anything. Tell them you love them and most importantly pray for them.